Monday, February 27, 2012

Money is not a problem. Its love thats the problem

That's all I have to say

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Ups and downs

I just realised you can suddenly be very happy at one moment, then utterly sad the next. that your words, not matter how innocuous it may be, can just devastate the emotional state on another person dearest to you.

And the same goes the other way. I was so so extremely relaxed and happy today, after a very smooth-flowing workday creating some passing testbanches. Then after typing a very stupid comment on facebook, my world just came crashing down after my dearest took offence so badly on what I jsut said. I haven't felt this happy and stress free in a long long long while, not since last year, not since my house renovations completed, not since along time i can remember. I finally managed to complete everything in my checklist, and i really mean everything. with just a code review and a pesky SPR from the apps team to bug me for the next 2 days. then, I will be free and get my long deserved holiday with you.

But alas, it was a short lived one. Now I am wallowing in self pity and remorse, wishing so much I could take back my words, and make everything better and perfect again. How I wished we are not far apart, and I can just hug you and everything will be so much better. I am not good with words, really don't know how to tell you that I really did not mean what I said. That I didnt know the hell you've been thru today, and my words was just the exact tipping point for you to boil over.

So with all my heart, I hope you will be able to be happy again tomorrow. then all of these will just be a storm in the past.

#update:- I am happy again now. my baby is talking to me again! :)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

All alone again

My Happiness Generator has left me again.

Part of me wished that she didn't need to go back, so that the happy moments last week could last forever. Part of me wished that my dearie didn't need to face the cold and hostile reception that she will receive when she goes back, just like the weather back there, making her turn to Korean Magpie for comfort. Part of me wished all Korean Magpies just drop dead and dissapear from the world.

But alas, life if not always a bed of roses. There's always be ups and downs. There'l always be Korean Magpies. I've just had my 1 week of happiness with her, So I'll just have to brace myself for the downs, for the challenges at work, and at love. I think that feeling applies to the both of us.

Sometimes I think the tears we cry when we are separated is not because of the sadness of separation itself, but the thought of facing all these challenges alone without the comforting hug of your loved ones at arms length, without being able to come home to a safe cosy nest and let all your worries outside just melt into oblivion.

However, I believe in the syaing that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. All these challenges will definitely strengthen our emotional endurance. Winter is about to come to an end and with Spring, I hope her situation there would improve, just like the weather. I hope this new year will give us the wisdom and strength to tide thru another year apart from each other. I hope what my aunt says about 2 weeks is true for 2 years as well, that the first week will pass by slowly, but the second will just shot pass you in an instant. And we'll be back together again, living our happily ever after.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Make you feel my love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

Hang in there...

Friday, November 26, 2010

Lift Me Up

Everybody wants to achieve happiness.
It means different things to different people.
As an engineer at heart, I basically have a checklist of what constitutes happiness, at least for material happiness
a) to land a nice comfortable job which pays relatively well (tick)
b) to own a nice comfortable car to commute and bring around loved ones safely (tick)
c) to have a nice condo with a swimming pool in a good location (almost tick)
d) to travel the world especially europe in decky mode at least once (almost tick, will be tick when I get my RSU hahah)
e) the most important one- to have a companion to share all my happiness with me (tick)
A few untick ones are
f) have 2 smart boys and a beautiful girl in the future
g) upgrade from condo to a nice landed property suitable for young kids to grow and develop.
h) have a stable flow of side income so as not to need to worry about money ever again

So after working hard to achieve almost all my checklist, why am I still feeling an empty hallow in me?
I think I found the answer to that question.
Its because all the material checklist pales in comparison to the happiness I will feel when my loved ones are happy. Because ultimately, I'm a person who links his happiness with the happiness of others. The greatest thing I'm thankful for is that the person that matters to me also link her happiness to mine. So in a certain sense its a good thing as well as a bad thing. In the programming world, this is like a recursive loop.
In a control system, it's a positive feedback mechanism. A positive feedback mechanism is a double edged sword. It could spiral upward or downwards.
When happiness is being fed into the system, the amount of happiness will just multiply. Whenever she smiles, or shares a joyful moment with me, everything that surrounds me will brighten up.
However, the converse is also true, sadness and emptiness will also propagate thru the system just as quickly. When your loved ones are down in the dumps, in a quarter life crisis, or are in fact searching for their own definition of happiness, I will ultimately feel for them and hope that they will be happy again.
Because in the end of the day, her happiness is also my happiness.

During these times, I'll always remember the words from Ajahn Brahm "This too shall pass". Life is full of ups and down and we just need to learn to ride thru it without getting too attached.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Let's just fall in Love again!

Ever since I started working in another company which doesn't provide me with a laptop, I'm "forced" not to take any work home with me. Yippee!! I've found more spare time now to just relax and ponder about .... nothing. And what a nice feeling that was, to finally have time to think about what I want for myself now and in the future.

A few days ago, while thinking about nothing, I casually browsed through our wedding dinner photos by chance. Although you're 6 hours of flight away from me now, through the photos, I really feel the joy and happiness we shared on that special night. Time just suddenly turned back and there I was again beside the podium, waiting to take your hands into mine, saying our wedding vows all over again.

I'm thankful to have found you to spend my whole life with, to share all my worries and happiness with, to have someone to share my thoughts of nothingness with, to tell jockishly dumb jokes to, and to flash my cute silly grin to everyday on webcam. I love you. Can't wait to meet you again soon!

Thursday, November 26, 2009


My friend is marrying his muse tomorrow. I found my muse but will lose her soon :(